Baddest Santas

I think we can all agree that the “baddest” Santa in movie history was Billy Bob in the aptly named Bad Santa.  I mean duh.  But this got me thinking about other bad Santas that have popped up here and there.  I’ll get to them in a bit.  Let me take a minute, though to fully appreciate how supremely evil Willy T. Stokes is as the one true Bad Santa.

  • Steals from a different mall each Christmas and manages to do it all in one magical night.
  • Enjoys his holiday cheer…lots and lots of cheer.
  • Spreads love all around, including the changing room at the mall.
  • Four letter Christmas greetings (not noel) for parents and children alike.
  • Delivers many gifts in the form of fists to faces and empty bottles tossed through windows.
  • His heart is overflowing and so is his Santa suit, cause who has time for bathrooms.

I think somewhere in there is a heart of gold.  He did sort of help out that one kid and even does some holiday decorating.  It’s a pretty funny movie, just be careful who you recommend it to.  Please don’t watch this one with the whole family!

As for the worst of the rest…here are my choices:


Artie Lange sitting on his throne of lies

No, I am not referring to Ed Asner who plays the real Santa Claus.  It’s the beef and cheese smelling, thick accented, fake Santa I’m talking about.  The one who first works the throne at Gimbels.  With very little provoking he’s ready to kill our hero Elf.  Then he starts a fight in front of the children.  The children!  Not to mention the way he talks, like someone straight off the docks or from the Howard Stern Show.  His replacement for department store Santa was not too much better, but he does make work his favorite.

How the Grinch Stole Christmas

Damn Christmas…it’s joyful and triumphant!

This one is pretty obvious.  In the tradition of scrooge, our Grinch does eventually learn the error of his ways.  He goes on to become the biggest champion of the season.  However, as either a cartoon or in Jim Carrey “green face”, nothing could be more evil than taking away Christmas gifts.  He takes it all away, including the ribbons and tags, the packages, boxes and bags.  Of course, he brought it all back to the Whos and relations were healed.  But to me, he’ll always be a banana with a greasy black peel.

A Christmas Story

A Christmas Story 4
I’d probably just ask for a football too

Ho, ho, ho…uh-oh.  Up close this is one scary Santa Claus.  His nose looks like he went on a cruise with no suntan lotion at all.  You’ll shoot your eye out, really?  What kind of Santa tells the kid he can’t have what he wants, then kicks him down the slide?  I do love the contrast in this scene between how Santa and his elves look from afar (in the eyes of the parents) to how they seem up close (to the kids).  What appears to be the perfect innocent world of the 40’s is revealed to be shockingly real and harsh.  One of the many cool things about this classic.  Another is of course the leg lamp which you can own for yourself and proudly display each year!

Trading Places

Where in the hell is Clarence Beeks?

Dan Aykroyd rivals Billy Bob when he hits rock bottom just before Christmas in Trading Places.  I’ll bet you a dollar he’d be the dirtiest Santa, if any such contest existed.  There is something really nasty about how he eats that salmon or whatever it is, and gets his beard all caught up in it.  Incidentally, have you noticed that hair is no big deal when it’s on a person (assuming it’s clean)…but, the minute it comes out and you see it somewhere else it’s the most disgusting thing in the world?  This works for fingernails too.  At least Louis doesn’t pee in his Santa suit like Bad Santa.  He leaves that for the dogs.

The Nightmare Before Christmas

The Pumpkin King

Is this a Christmas movie or a Halloween movie?  Probably both, although I have only watched it around Halloween myself.  Nevertheless, Jack was a terrible Santa despite his honest intentions.  My favorite part (other than the great songs throughout) is when the kid’s parents ask what Santa brought him.  He holds up to show them the severed head, which our Pumpkin King graciously left under the tree.


Lock and load Santa

I actually did not recall this particular Santa when I read about it recently.  I haven’t watched Scrooged too many times.  That’s surprising when you consider it has a taxi driving Buster Poindexter (aka David Johansen) in it.  I celebrate his whole catalog.  This gun toting Kris Kringle would not go over well these days.  He appears in Scrooged as part of the film within the film, “The Night the Reindeer Died”.  I can’t wait to see this again so I can watch out for Rambo Claus.

Reindeer Games

Won’t you watch our bad movie tonight?

I honestly have no recollection of anything that went on in this trash.  I only recall seeing Ben Affleck dressed in the Santa suit.  That’s enough for me to make the list.  Is there a good Affleck movie other than Good Will Hunting?  Mallrats?  Argo?  Ok, I guess there are a few others, but how can I ever get over what he did to Daredevil?

Christmas Vacation

Bend over and I’ll show you

Great with food additives, but not so much with managing the good old-fashioned family Christmas.  If you are not familiar with the Christmas Vacation disaster masterpiece orchestrated by Griz, you need to get on that immediately.  Like Clark said, “We’re gonna press on, and we’re gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny f***ing Kaye.”

Merry Christmas and be sure to get plenty of help from Jack Daniels.


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